I’ve made some changes to the table of contents page. It used to be just a list of all the stories on the site. I’ve made it more reader friendly by splitting up the stories by genre and grouping related/ongoing stories under serial stories.
Today while I was working, I opened a roll of quarters to make change for a customer and saw this odd quarter. When I got a better look at it, I saw the date on it was 1898. After I got off work, I asked my manager if I could exchange a new quarter for it and he agreed. If I wanted to sell it, I could only get $5-$10 dollars for it according to the sites I found. I don’t have any plans to sell it. I think it’s neat to have a 118 year old sliver quarter, so I’m keeping it.
Thoughts on The Turman Show
I just got done watching it and it doesn’t quite hold up. It’s still a great film but the tone is more comedic than I remember. In my memory, there was a build up of things going wrong and Truman beginning to notice the patterns of the extras around him leading up to his ‘father’ returning. At which point the backstory and setting are revealed in the interview with the director. I know the idea of The Truman Show wasn’t really a reveal but it could have heightened the tension in the beginning if it wasn’t shown right away.
This probably less the movie not being what it could be and more my own views of reality changing over time. I’m sure the first time I saw the movie I thought it was funny that Truman was living in a manufactured sitcom world. Now I watch it and I can’t help but feel horror at his situation. To discover that everyone he knows; his best friend, his wife, his neighbors, his mom, the guy he buys his newspaper from, the woman that passes him on the street; is lying to him is horrific to me.
The Truman Show is a good movie but I would like to a version of it that abandons the tv viewer pov and keeps to Truman’s pov. The movie often switches to “hidden camera” shots to remind the viewer that Truman is always being watched but I feel like it distances me from Truman. It’s another layer between me and Truman when I want to be right there next to him. I want to see him find the cracks in his false world. I want to see him question his reality. I want to see everyone around him insist he’s crazy. I want to see him break out of his cage. And I want to see him pull back the curtain and show us the man pulling the strings of his world.
Working on my first ebook
The first that I’ve made personally that is.
I spent yesterday working on turning my story Love and Comets into an ebook. I did a lot of reading about how to format the text and how to put it into xhtml. Some of the process I read seem a little overly complicated but I think I’ve gotten the gist of how it works. I also spent time creating a single file of the story and cleaning it up, removing spaces at the end of paragraphs, fixing typos. I am going to have to edit the versions on my website after I’m done.
Today I’m continuing learning and hopefully starting to work on the xhtml. I’m honestly doing this in the wrong order because I know the text needs a few more passes to be as close to 100% as I can get it. I should be doing that before even starting on the xhtml but yesterday and today are days off so I’m using the extra time and energy to learn how to do this.
Love and Comets cover
I made a cover for Love and Comets. I’m putting all five parts together as an ebook for my patrons. I’m thinking about putting it up for sell on like Gumroad but I’m not sure.
What time was I suppose to be at work?
On my tumblr I’ve written a little about the few “glitches in the matrix” I’ve experienced. Most of them revolve around me knowing without a shadow of a doubt something and being told no you’re wrong. It’s never major things like who’s the president or what month it is. It’s things like what time does this store open or how long a season of a tv show was. Mostly I just try to forget them or ignore them. Sometimes it’s harder to ignore.
Monday evening I checked the picture of the schedule, on my phone, to see what time I had to be at work. I saw 9:30 am. I always give myself half an hour to get to work and an hour to get ready. So I knew I should get up at 8 am. I’m not a morning person. Getting up before 11 am is not part of my natural rhythm. Before I went to bed I set my alarm and because I wanted to make sure I looked at my schedule again. 9:30 am.
I woke up the next day, got ready for work, even took time to eat something, and walked to work. I arrived at 9:10 am. I don’t know if I left early or if I was unconsciously power walking but if I had left at 9 am I should have gotten to work at around 9:15 am. That was the first weird thing. I was let in by my manager, the store doesn’t open til 9:30 am. She didn’t say anything to me other than “Good morning.” I walked through the store to the break room. On the way I stopped to check the daily line-up to see when my break was going to be. I find my name and see it lists me as working at 9 am.
I head for the break room to clock in because apparently now I’m running late. I clock in and check the schedule on the wall. It too says I work at 9 am. Someone most have changed the schedule without telling me, I think. So I check the picture of the schedule on my phone. It says 9 am.
I know I looked at the picture on my phone at least twice on Monday. The second time I was very deliberately reading the time because I have made this mistake before. I was looking at the :30 making sure it wasn’t :00. I’m baffled by this ‘mistake’.
Here is where I give the evidence that mostly sinks my story: The picture of my schedule is blurry. The numbers are readable just not perfectly clear. There’s a touch of blur but you can read 9:00 easily enough. If you were checking the time carefully you wouldn’t think it read 9:30.
I now I will start to sound really weird: I don’t remember the picture being blurry. I read the time clearly on Monday and on Tuesday when I checked it again it was blurry. Blurry in a way that might make me think I had just misread the time. While writing this I looked at the image a few more times and noticed the blur isn’t across the entire image. It’s a band of blurriness that runs straight over the row of my schedule. The schedules above and below mine are less blurry.
It’s subtle. The top of the image the farthest from my schedule is clear. The picture of next week’s schedule I took at the same time is perfectly clear. I normally retake schedule pictures if they look blurry, so why didn’t I retake that one? I don’t know.
In the end, it doesn’t really matter, I guess. Whether my schedule was changed through some sort of reality glitch or I just misread the time, it doesn’t make much of a difference. The end result was the same: I was late to work.
Dream – Suburban Trans Mom
Last night, I dreamed I was a single mom in the suburbs. I was a stealth trans woman. There was a kind of Donna Reed/Leave It To Beaver aesthetic to the neighborhood and people but it was present day. Through most of the dream I felt this undercurrent fear of being outed as trans. It felt like someone had found out and I was waiting to see if they would spread it around or keep quiet. It wasn’t a nightmare. It was like an anxiety dream. Is that a thing? Google says it’s a thing.
An anxiety dream is an unpleasant dream which is less disturbing than a nightmare. Anxiety dreams are characterized by the feelings of unease, distress, or apprehension in the dreamer upon waking.
So, yeah I had an anxiety dream about being outed while being a mom in a nice neighborhood. I normally don’t know where my dreams come from. This one I know exactly where it came from. The having a kid was likely from the elementary school email list I got put on a few months ago. The other part was from something that happened at work.
Last night after we finished cleaning up the store, we watched a training video about how to help customers with disabilities. After the video our manager asked if we had any questions. One girl asked if we were doing the same thing that Target is doing, that is allowing people to use the restroom that matches their gender. Our manager said, “Yes we are,” and then girl made some comments about men going into the women’s restroom.
The first time I used the women’s restroom at work I was scared but I knew that management would back me if there was a conflict with a customer. That first time there was no one in there. The second time as I was leaving one of the girls I work with came in. I froze unsure of how she would react, even after the generally positive reception I had gotten during my coming out process. She walked right passed me to the sink and said, “I cut my finger,” while rinsing it off. Total non-issue for her or any other co-workers as far as I knew.
But now I have to wonder about this girl. Does she count me among the men ‘invading’ the women’s restroom? Does she see me as a threat? Do any of the others see me that way? These thoughts were all I could think about while trying to get to bed last night. I tried listening to Lore, a podcast about creepy/unsettling history/folklore, because the narrator speaks in an even tone. I did fall asleep during Lore but I still had that anxiety dream about being outed as trans.
Today is the official start of my website. I’m slowly reposting older stories for now but new stories will also be coming out soon. Read the blog post for more details.
New short stories or the current serial story are posted on Mondays. Flash fiction stories are posted on Fridays. Blog posts will be when every I have something to say about my own life or reviews of movies, books, or tv shows.
Dream – Flame Tender
I woke up from a dream this morning that I could only remember a bit from just before I woke up. There was a person tending to small blue flames. I can’t remember what exactly these were, candles or magic flames or matches, but they didn’t last long. Someone asked them why they were tending to the blue flames if they couldn’t last. The flame tender said something that seemed really profound about the sun being a blue flame as well. I’m not getting the phrasing correct so it doesn’t make sense or maybe it was one of those dream things that seems profound until you wake. When I woke up I could remember exactly what was said but I didn’t write it down and it’s faded now.
I think the sentiment the flame tender expressed was that these tiny flames that last only for a few seconds are just like the sun. The sun which seems to us to be ever lasting but it has a beginning and an end. On the right time scale it too is a brief light in the darkness.
I just wish I had written down exactly how it was said in my dream.
My Future is Not Bright
Sometimes I realize that my future is a series of minimum wage jobs until I can’t work and die. That’s many years from now unless something drastic happens. I don’t have the qualifications to get anything other than a minimum wage job. I’m not fit for anything else. I tried working as a coordinator at my current job but it started to burn me out and I had to step down. I’m trying to make my writing a thing I can fall back on but I just don’t think it’s going to work out for me. I know this is inevitable. My future is a dim hallway with locked doors.
And yet I keep trudging along. It’s not hope at something better coming along. Nothing better is coming for me. But I want what is owed to me. What pleasure and joy I can get out of my life I want it. It’s not much but it’s mine.
“It’s little, and broken, but still good. Yeah – still good.”
I’m okay. This is just some thoughts I wanted to put to post.