Content Warning: Suicidal thoughts
“Hello,” Cynthia’s voice came from my cellphone.
“Hi,” I replied.
“Are you all right?” she asked at my less than enthusiastic greeting.
“Yeah…no…kind of, I’m looking at traffic and wondering how fast a car has to be going to definitely kill me,” I said.
“Where are you?” she demanded.
“I’m walking to the laundromat. I’m not really going to do anything. I just wanted to hear someone’s voice,” I said feeling better just for talking to her even if I was making Cynthia worry.
“Are you sure?” she asked her voice still tinted with anxiety.
“Yeah, just talk to me for a few minutes,” I asked.
“Sure. Hang on for a sec,” her voice became faint as she moved her phone away from her mouth but I still heard her shout to someone, “I’m taking my break. I need to take my suicidal girlfriend out of walking out into traffic.”
“Cynthia! I’m not going to walk out into traffic,” I told her once she had the phone back by her ear.
“Yeah, well I had tell my manager something to get a break right now,” she explained.
“What if he didn’t let you take a break?”
“Then I would have have quit. I’m not hanging up on you.”
“I.. Thank you.”
“S’not a problem. So what’s wrong?”
“Nothings really wrong. It’s all in my head but just because there’s nothing wrong doesn’t mean I don’t feel like everything is wrong. I just feel worthless and like it would be better to just step off the curb.”
“Whoa there, you are not worthless. Why don’t you take a step away from the curb and we can talk more.”
“Yeah okay. I know it’s a bad idea and I don’t want to die.”
“No one wants to kill themselves; until they do it and then it’s too late to change your mind. Listen if you kill yourself I will be very upset at you. Do you hear me, young lady?”
I was smiling as I replied, “Yes, Mom.”
“That’s right you listen to your elders,” said the girl six months younger than me, “No back talk, you hear.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I laughed.
“So feeling better?”
“Good. My manager is giving me the stink eye cause you’re supposed to be suicidal and I’m kind of cutting up over here. I don’t think she’s going to buy the suicidal girlfriend excuse for quite some time if ever again. I’ll talk to you later. Love you. Bye.”
“Love you too. Bye,” I said to the silent phone and walked the rest of the way to the laundry mate. I was still eyeing cars as they passed me but Cynthia’s voice played through my head reminding me not to play in traffic. It wasn’t much but it was enough for that day.